Conversations With Me: Round 3

It’s been a little more than three months, and date night is here again. I still remember the first conversation vividly, even though it was years ago. They say time flies. The last time you listened in was 15 weeks ago…105 days ago…2520 hours ago… (You know the numbers are just an attempt at build-up)

(Did I get you, though? :P)

I’m bursting with questions for TOM. The past quarter year has been eventful. I’m nervous, anxious, excited and a hundred things all at once. But putting all these thoughts away, I greet TOM with a radiant smile. You got this right… This smile has been perfected in office… Just about welcoming enough to make you look amiable from afar, but not warm enough to induce conversation beyond “What’s up?”

Me:        Hi TOM! How you doing?

TOM:    Oh, hello! I’ve been wonderful… busy soaking up the new city, new people, your new stint.    It’s all been incredible so far. I’ve thought about thanking you a hundred times for all this but decided against it. I know you’ll take credit for everything even when you had no hand in this.

Me:        ** Sheepish ** Well, I did move cities, no?

TOM:     Only out of compulsion. And honestly tell me, weren’t you only too happy to leave Mumbai behind? Aren’t you dreading your impending return to the city?

Me:        You’re my inner voice dude! Shut up! You’re not supposed to shout this out from the rooftops. What if my colleagues read this? ** turns back to see one of them hastily closing their browser window ** There you go! I’ve had it now. ** sits down dejectedly **

TOM:     Well well… at least you are seated now. Tell me child, what’s been troubling you? I know I’m not the cause of that sudden outburst.

Me:        Why do you think I’m speaking with you TOM? I wouldn’t come to you if I weren’t confused. Who cares about you when all is hunky-dory?

TOM:     That was just the tiniest bit hurtful.

Me:        Apologies. That did sound worse than it is. You know how it is. Everything seems to be going fine. Just then a question pops up in your head, “What now?” And you’re sent into a frenzy because you do not have an answer. For the longest time I’ve had one or the other goal in life. I’ve always worked towards something. Be it getting into the college of my choice, securing the first rank, getting the lead in that dance team… there has always been something to look forward to. And what now?

TOM:     Go on, I’m listening.

Me:        I’m in such a flux. Working a regular job where my career path has already been decided by some man in a business suit just doesn’t seem appealing enough. What do I have to do to get that promotion? Just be a good girl, keep my head down, and work. Nothing more. Where is the excitement in all of this? You will not believe me when I say that in the past two weeks I’ve thought about each one of these:

·         Training to be psychologist

·         Opening yoga camps

·         Being a restaurateur

·         Opening a kid’s library

·         Developing a technology for payment tracking

·         Getting a Masters in English Literature

·         Getting a Masters in Psychology

·         Sitting for UGC NET

·         Opening a YouTube cookery channel

I’m not even talking about me trying my hand at writing. Do you see how conflicted I am?

TOM:     I’m still reading that list…

Me:        Exactly my point. I wake up wanting to be one thing, and sleep wanting to be another. How do I decide where do I want to go? How do I set a new goal in life? What if all these twenty-five years of hard work are completely irrelevant in that new field?

TOM:     For once I’m afraid I’m speechless. You’ve been preparing this script for some time now, no?

Me:        It has been on my mind, yes.

TOM:     Knowing the person that you are, I don’t see a reason why you can’t be each of those things. You are a determined one. Let me think what’s stopping you then.

             ** Finally, I’ve got her thinking. Calls for a little victory dance **

             ** TOM snaps out of her ‘deep’ thought **

It’s simple. You’re uncertain about where you want to be because you’re unsure of how it will be when you get there. Will it be better than your present situation? You don’t know. Honestly, you’ve never had it tough in life. All you did was study. You’re earning good money, but you don’t know what to do with it. Neither do you know how else to earn the comfortable life you have. You’ve always done the one thing you were best at, while dabbling in others for fun. You’re reaping rich returns, but now you want more. You don’t want the first twenty-five years of your life to dictate the coming seventy-nine.

Did I get it right?

Me:        Are you sure you didn’t smoke up by mistake?

TOM:     ** bursts out laughing ** When you’re me, a mere spectator, it’s not very difficult to figure people out. As you once said, I don’t have to deal with the practicalities of this world. I have ample time to think. I wake up in a silent room, only after you’ve put your laptop and yourself to sleep.

Me:        But what do I do now? You haven’t given me any answers.

TOM:     Those are for you to find…

That’s when TOM spots a plate of chhole bhature behind me. I hate how these conversations end so abruptly. But God knows we’ve been missing those bhaturas here in Bangalore. Who can stand up to good food? Not me, not TOM…

Until next time folks!

Conversations with Me: Round 2

We have a situation here. I’m in major trouble. I haven’t talked to TOM (The Other Me…for those who, like me, forgot that she exists or are meeting her for the first time) in more than a year and now I’m faced with the prospect of having that difficult conversation. What if she starts asking me questions I can’t answer? What if she doesn’t approve of what I’m doing now… the life choices that I have made? Will she understand my reasons for staying away for so long? Do I have any genuine reasons to offer?

It is with these questions, whirring faster in my mind than insects around a candle, that I head out (heading in would be more appropriate, no?) to meet TOM.

………..It begins with an exceedingly tight hug, which ends with a rather awkward silence………….

Me:        Umm…. Hi! You look nice.

TOM:     Wish I could say the same about you. Did you show your hairstylist a poodle’s photograph for inspiration? Have you grown a tail yet? **Does a quick check** Damn. Not yet. But soon. Very Soon.

Me:        Thanks for that! You’ve really forgotten your manners and etiquette!

TOM:     Well… Someone doesn’t talk to me. It’s been more than a year if my memory doesn’t fail me. The Doc told me I’ll die of emotional neglect one of these days. You know, nobody to talk to, nobody who truly cares… the same thing that mothers go through when their little ones leave home for high flying jobs, putting them in the empty-nester category? Ring any bells?

Me:      **Looks left and right, guiltily thinking of the parents I have left behind. Thinking of TOM dying because I never check on her doesn’t help either**

TOM:     C’mon! You can do better than that! You have Guilt written all over your face… I thought you would’ve learnt something at B-School. Looks like you forgot to take that course called “Effective Strategies to Implement Two-Facedness!” Anyway, what happened to your plans of changing the world? What are you doing these days?

Me:       **With well-rehearsed enthusiasm**

Well, I’m working my first job. I spend the days traversing every dusty street that the city has on offer, visiting neighborhoods that I never dreamt I’d visit…sometimes trying to do things which I believe to be outright unreasonable. But mind you, it’s an eye-opening experience. I meet so many new people each day. I’m learning how large corporates run, how the money flows, what are the practical difficulties that small businesses face… and lots more.

TOM:     Did I ask you about your job?

Me:       **Completely taken aback. It takes me a moment to come up with a lame response”

But I thought…

TOM:     Let me ask you again… what are you doing these days?

Me:        **Takes a long time to think… pondering over the significance of this question**      

You know TOM, I don’t really know. I’ve never found it this difficult to express myself candidly. Even now I’m wondering what if some company HR happens to read this? Will they take me to be someone always dissatisfied with what she has? Is this likely to ruin my future employment prospects? Do I always have to be politically correct? Everywhere I go, there seems to be this pressure of saying the right thing to the right people at the right time.

This entire job thing. Yes, it’s fun. Yes, the money is good. But what am I really doing? I’m 24. I should be doing way more than working in the field and snatching a few hours of sleep. I should be writing more often, reading more, partying harder, learning a new dance form, improving my calligraphy. But all I end up doing is purely operational work-related stuff. And then people expect me to come up with strategic insights about how XYZ can achieve greater heights. How does one even do that?

TOM:     I think I can understand your situation. But aren’t all your friends going through the same  thing?

Me:        Some of them are, yes. But I’ve never been this uncertain ever before. I don’t seem to have a goal anymore. What am I working towards? Yes, the writer dream is still there. But how does one even start chasing something this vague? Am I even willing to take that plunge? And when?

TOM:     Those are things you’ll have to break your head over.

Me:        **Smirking inside, thinking that TOM doesn’t really know anything about the real world and it’s struggles after all**

That needs time, which is the only thing that I don’t seem to have TOM. In fact, that is precisely the reason why I am so reluctant to go back home these days. Being idle at home lets my thoughts run in a thousand different directions. In the throes of this addictive drug called Everyday Existence, I can comfortably forget that I don’t know where I want to be tomorrow.

TOM:     **She begins with one of her irritating all-knowing smiles. As if she has just succeeded in making me confess something that I wasn’t willing to accept up until now**

Wow. That was sort of profound. Deep, in fact, by your standards… given that you haven’t done a lot of thinking in a lot of time. But I’ll give you hope… you’re still questioning yourself, you might be happy but still not satisfied, you’re still in touch with your deepest emotions (uncertainty, in this case. What does all this point to?

Me:        I know you don’t want me to answer. :P

TOM:     Well, yes. All of this shows that you’re still alive inside. You might not know where you want to be yet. But you do have that restlessness to do more, to be more. And without letting it sound like I’m consoling you or subjecting you to one of my hideously boring motivational speeches… this discontent is exactly what you need to succeed.

Me:        To be honest, it sounded exactly like both those things. But I’ll take your word for it.

With that the phone rings… Like a reflex I move to answer it. This conversation cut short, the train of thought lost, my brain once again abuzz with the data that I need to prepare and the reports that I need to send out. And just like that, those precious few moments that I had with myself were gone. I now realize that I couldn’t even get to the main agenda for this session with TOM. Guess that’s how time runs out…

(You can find Round 1 of these conversations at http://www.fishperspective.com/2016/04/conversations-with-me.html)